Mirror
by Akaiblush
Summary: Sometimes things are more complicated than they first appear. Shounen-ai/Yaoi.


**Mirror**

  
  


It's strange to look at someone and know something about them that they don't quite realize. 

I mean, what can you do? Do you confront them with your knowledge? Or do you sit back and watch them from a distance, allowing your own feelings to become mixed up inside until you can hardly tell which way is up and which way is down... 

When did things manage to get so complex between the three of us? 

I wish we could somehow turn back time and make everything simple again. 

I'm lying to myself, aren't I? Things were never simple, and they probably never will be. 

I wish...that I could be younger, then. And not see the things I see now. I want to go back to the days when I could hide underneath a blanket of blissful unawareness. 

*** 

I watch the two of you in one of your endless mock battles as I stretch out a distance away on the sand, digging my toes in past the warmth to reach to cool wetness underneath. Sora's getting the worst of it, as usual, and I can't help but wince as Riku lands a sharp blow to his arm. I can almost envision the bruise that will spring up in a few hours. Both of you will ignore it, but it'll still be there in a language boys only seem to be able to understand. 

Sora hesitates. I would think he's fighting the spontaneous action of just dropping his sword and massaging the abused flesh, and I can't help but smile as I imagine the expression on his face. He has a way of pouting that makes him look about three years old. 

"...can stop if you want to..." Riku's voice carries on the breeze over to me, and I feel some of my smile slip away. Sometimes I wonder which of the two of us knows Sora better. He's so adept at pushing Sora's buttons, knowing exactly what to say to keep him coming back for more. 

There's a particular smile Riku has when he's around Sora, a certain glow his eyes take on. Most wouldn't notice the difference--I don't know if Sora does--but if you watch both of them long enough, you can see it. It's as though he's never really happy unless both of them are pushing one another to their limits. Almost as though they're creating their own little world where nothing enters but playful barbs and the sound of wooden swords clashing in battle. 

To tell the truth, I don't really know how that makes me feel. 

They're my friends, right? So why don't I feel happy for the both of them. I shouldn't be so selfish and begrudge them their bond, and there are times when I'm with the two of them and I tell myself I _don't. _It's when all three of us are laughing and dreaming together, the times when I believe with all my heart that there's no force strong enough to tear us apart. It's that part of me that says nothing will ever change and we'll never grow up. We'll just keep on laughing forever. 

Immortal. 

Then there are the other times, like now. When my smile begins to show cracks around the edges and I feel like crying, and then feel like laughing _because_ I feel like crying and it's all so stupid... 

My toes are too cold. I don't know why I'm just not content to lie on top of the sand. Instead I always dig beneath the surface and end up feeling slightly chilled. 

So I pull my feet out from where I had managed to nearly bury them and stand up, leaving my previous thoughts behind as I plaster a smile to my face and run up to them. 

"C'mon Sora! You can do it!" 

Oops, looks like I distracted him, and Riku took the chance to land another hit to his opposite arm. 

"That's no fair!" Sora almost howls while Riku laughs at his outraged expression. It's a melodious, strangely soothing sound, but for some odd reason I prefer Sora's lighter giggles to Riku's low chuckles. "I was distracted!" 

"Well, then, it's _your_ fault for allowing Kairi to distract you in the first place." 

I grin and dance out of the way of a mock blow from Sora. I can tell he's not really angry, though. Pretty soon all three of us are laughing. It's then I can lose myself and not think about it. The thought whispers around me lightly, but I shake my head to keep it from taking root. 

_That's right. After all, Riku would _never_ allow himself to be distracted by you._

He just doesn't know it. 

For some odd reason, my laughter isn't as bright. 

*** 

Riku thinks that he likes me. 

That much I know. 

Why, I'm not so sure. I can't say that I'm confident enough to read his mind or anything like that. 

It wouldn't be noticeable, except for the little things. I think I first became aware of it...well, there was this one time a while back. I can't really remember what happened, but I think Sora was teasing me about something and he pushed me a little too hard, and I went sprawling into the sand face first. The next thing I knew, after I managed to wipe the sand from the edges of my eyes, was Riku with his voice raised. Not quite enraged, but definitely upset. I had never heard him yell at Sora before... 

I think what I remember most was the _tension_ that filled the air. It hadn't been the first time this sort of thing had happened, but looking back, it was the beginning of when I started to notice. 

The strange thing was, he was upset, I could tell...but there was a weird sort of flatness to it. It's hard to explain. 

He was being protective of me, but not really me. 

I don't know... 

It's like the way he smiles around me too. It's like a parody of that expression he gets on his face when he's with Sora. I know I'm making this out to be scary, or something, and it's not really _that_--I don't think I could ever be really scared of Riku. I mean really scared. Sometimes he worries me, but... 

There's a depth to him, is the best way to put it. And you never know quite what is underneath the surface, but know it's not something to be frightened of...it just bewilders you. 

Let me try to explain it a different way. 

I've seen him watch Sora, particularly when he thinks no one is watching him. He'll sit there, lounging in the shade of paopu tree like a cat in human form, while I dance around and write things in the sand, or shimmy up a coconut tree to gather enough fruit for the three of us later on. His eyes will always be along that expanse of beach, where Sora is usually challenging Tidus, Selphie, or Wakka. Sometimes all three. 

One day, I was sitting beneath the tree with him, just watching Sora as he attempted to fight a three on one match like the ones Riku does. To me, Sora looked like he was doing pretty well. Sure, he was taking some hits, especially from Wakka, who's no slouch at Blitzball, but Sora has a hard head and doesn't know when to quit. It's really one of his most endearing qualities--and he has a lot of endearing qualities. 

"He's going to lose." The words were so quiet that I looked up at Riku, wondering if he had really said anything. At that precise moment, Sora collapsed after Tidus rammed him in the head. 

And Riku tensed up, like he had to stop himself from jumping off the edge and swimming to shore. 

I don't think he even understood his own reaction. 

But I saw it it, and I knew. 

As I watched him slowly unfurl himself and push his mask firmly back into place, I found myself crying. 

To this day, I don't understand why. 

Maybe it was because I had changed, things had changed, and I couldn't unsee what had passed before me. I couldn't be a child any more and not see it in the first place. 

I couldn't do anything but blur my eyesight with tears. 

*** 

Riku doesn't love me, even though he thinks he does. 

Deep down, in those depths that not even he fully realizes are there, he has a secret he's been keeping from himself. 

What am I, then? 

I'm a mirror. 

He doesn't even know it, but when he looks at me, he sees Sora. When I grin, he sees Sora grinning back at him. When I laugh, what he really hears is Sora chuckling. When he gets protective of me, it's Sora he's guarding over. 

When he yells at Sora for accidentally doing something to me, he's really yelling at Tidus and the others for all the times Sora has collapsed in the sand, trying so hard to live up to Riku's shadow. 

But it's not fair. 

It's not fair to Sora and it's not fair to him and...and...it's not fair to me. 

There, I said it. 

Because I've seen the pain in Sora's eyes because he can't understand his friend any more. Since I understand Sora so well, it's like what he's going through is happening to me. I wouldn't care, though, as long as I could take some of his pain away. It's the same with Riku. There are so many times when I've wanted to tell him to stop using me as a mirror and to just look at me! One of these days I'll shatter beyond repair if this goes on. I can't stop him, and I can't say anything, though. Because I can't help but wonder if it would only hurt him more if Riku saw the real me instead of Sora. 

At least this way he can express what he feels, because I have a feeling emotions lurking in the depths can turn into monsters after a while, with sharp teeth and a mouth big enough to swallow you in one bite. 

So I laugh and tease and try to spare them both all the pain I can. 

It hurts. 

Would it just be easier if just the two of us went away? Me and Sora. 

Sometimes I don't know what I really feel for him, but whatever it is, it makes my heart feel stronger just by looking at him. It makes me smile and laugh and takes my mind off of things. 

We couldn't leave Riku, though. He's a part of us. He makes us whole even as he threatens to tear all three of us apart. 

Maybe Riku would get him in the end. That hurts too. 

Still, it's more of a bittersweet hurt, like the sharp little pain that lodges in my chest when I watch them fight, during those times when I want to laugh and cry all at the same time. 

What can I do? 

I can smile and bury my feelings in a place no one will ever see. I can watch the beautiful sunset as it sinks into the sky, the colors mirrored imperfectly in the ocean below.   


And, I can try not to cry...   
  
  


**owari**


End file.
